Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
