I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
