If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
