overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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