don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
