I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
