he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
