i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
