wat bout pragnant strippers??
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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