my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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