we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
