I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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