So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
