i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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