Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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