Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Randomize
