Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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