I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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