I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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