apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
