My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
