So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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