I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She's the barista slut.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Let's get the cat blown out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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