i just wanna soil my oats bro
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
