dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
