My nipple is on Facebook.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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