I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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