my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
