i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
