Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
