I'm laying in your front yard are you home
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
