i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
