i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
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my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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