Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
