apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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