Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
