I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
