if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
