I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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