Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
