Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
