its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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