Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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