all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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