i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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