2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
