What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
