Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.