Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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