The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
