Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
