Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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