Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
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I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.