I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.