Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.