Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
