why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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