dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
