just tell him i said nine months
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
